Posts with the tag 'friends'
I, unlike many people I know have been fortunate enough to be shielded from death. To date none of my close friends or relations have suffered any life threatening diseases, nor have they died, lucky me. Like a coddled child wrapped protectively from the bad things in life, I have only watched from afar as other people grieved over loved ones now lost. I was therefore totally unprepared by the sheer force of emotion that hit me last week when I heard of an acquaintance’s near death situation at Queen’s Hospital.
I say acquaintance, since I do not know what else to call our relationship. He was a man who had worked for us on and off over the years; he was not a carpenter, nor a real builder, but rather a jack-of-all-trades as many kiwis often are. He would call us every once in a while, asking if we had any projects on, and if anything was forthcoming he would hop on a plane and arrive ready for work. Such was the case early this year, and when our plans for another business were put on hold, he came to work on our house to fill in some time.
Every day at 7a.m. on the dot he would arrive, initially by bike and later by car, always with a baseball cap on his head, and a slightly sheepish look on his face. We are not early risers, and I always felt that he thought that he was an intrusion arriving at that time in the morning, despite the fact that he was either working outside or in a completely different part of the house from all of us sleeping beauties. Always grateful for a cup of coffee, water and lunch – he was extremely polite, and when “D” was not working with him he would always say something to the effect of “oh, I just have to get this last bit done, so I’ll just take it with me”, never staying to eat at the table. Or once when we had a bricklayer working – he asked if I could call him quietly because he felt awkward eating lunch prepared by me because the worker had asked if he would like to go and grab something with him.
An older man, small in stature, and yet fitter and stronger than my youthful sons; they were in awe of his physique. They would always tell their friends how “P” was “totally ripped”! He swam daily, rode his bike all over town, ate healthily and only ever drank on weekends. He was it is true basically a loner, he rarely spoke of friends or family, or of doing anything much socially and I think that that is what made the whole situation even more devastating in my mind.
He was found at 2a.m.on a street close to his apartment. He was lying on the sidewalk, a bloody mess by a nurse just getting off work. She, thank God got him to the hospital where he was put on life support. He had nothing on him but his cell phone and $59; he was just a John Doe. One of the supervisor’s trying to get in touch with anyone who knew him, scrolled through his phone and in one of those odd quirks of fate recognized her ex-husband’s number. She called him, and he put her in touch with us, and we went down to identify him. Poor “P”, massive head trauma had basically killed him, and even though he was breathing through the machine, they said he had little or no brain function. They were really only waiting to get in touch with a relative to let him go.
Relatives, girlfriends, friends? What did we really know about him? We knew his first and last name, the fact that he had dual citizenship, his local number, (he had always contacted us from New Zealand) and to be honest that was about it. The police, searching his apartment found his passport, but little else of personal import. Of course we did eventually find a relation, an estranged brother, however what impacted me so greatly was the fact had it not been for that one number on his phone this man would have gone unmarked to his grave as a mere John Doe. His life totally unrecognized, with no love, no sense of loss at his passing. And such a senseless loss at that, because to this day nobody knows exactly what happened; one scenario being that after a few drinks, realizing that he had forgotten the keys to his third floor apartment he attempted to climb up to his balcony. It sounds too strange to me; was he beaten up? I dearly hope not, I cannot imagine little “P” as I always think of him, a totally non-violent person being assaulted by people much larger than he I am sure. And to what purpose? If he had been robbed, why leave $59?
“P” I am so sorry for what happened to you. I didn’t really know you, but your passing has effected me more than I can tell you. You were a good man, a diligent worker and I hope that more than just our family will mourn for you, because you deserve a lot better than that. A John Doe you certainly were not, in my mind you did leave a mark on our lives, enriching and making it better. I will add a little something, I am not sure what, but I will know when I find it, right beside my habanero plant with its bright red peppers that you loved so much, and I will feel your soul enriching the earth each time I see it bear fruit.
Tags: Add new tag, Death, Diseases, Family, friends, Head trauma, John Doe, Life support, Life threatening, Loner, Loss, Love, man, Mourn, Passing, Relative, Robbed, Soul, Trauma
December 17th, 2008
I thought that I was doing just fine, having adapted after much time to my new state of being. My youngest son was still at home and in need from time to time of his mother (for food, laundry and all the important periphery things a young man needs to keep his hectic life going!). My husband was here at my side to support me with my attack of the collywobbles while my oldest was away, and so life goes on. It is funny though how things can change in an instant, and one’s life is abruptly turned upside-down, and that was what happened to me this past Saturday.
The phone rang it was my son. He phoned ostensibly to let me know his whereabouts, since he had been continually on the move. However, I discerned a note of sadness in his voice and suddenly my whole body was on alert. We talked of nothing, I just wanting to keep him on the phone to learn more, trying subtly to draw him out so I could find out what was going on. Men on the whole are not forthcoming, whether it be good news or not, and I know my son was reluctant to ever admit that he was not enjoying himself. On the one hand he did not want to hurt my feelings since we had gone to great expense to make his trip possible and he knew that any admission of wanting to come home would make me worry, and on the other it was a matter of pride to tell me that he was capable of being away from home without whining about loneliness and any such other stuff. However it was there, I could hear it and my heart was breaking.
After almost 2 months the traveling was starting to wear thin, and without close friends at his side he was definitely feeling alone. The weather was terrible and so he was unable to go out and occupy his mind with activities that would leave him tired by the time he got back to his hostel. I could imagine him looking out at the rain and wondering how to pass the time, feeling a little homesick. What could I do? So far away, I wanted to just rush out and in some way be able to hold him and tell him everything would be all right. As it was I could only talk to him and tell him that his father would be in New Zealand in 4 weeks to see him. He seemed cheered by this thought and then blurted out that he definitely wanted to come home with his Dad until his course started there in January. I was now on high, high alert. After his call I was on the phone to friends, did they know any young kids in Queenstown, when were their kids headed down that way, etc. etc? A better sheepdog you could not find! And I did not find much, but I had done the best I could. I text him just to keep in touch and let him know I was thinking of him…obsessing over him in truth.
And what do you know on Sunday he called and I could tell that he was over the moon with excitement. He had met some people and they had told him about the Kiwi Experience Tour where it seemed everybody for the most part was both young and traveling alone! He was off immediately to buy his ticket and that…he might need a little extra money. Extra money, of course how much and when. I was just so relieved; I would have given him any amount he had asked for, though in reality we could not afford much! Fortunately he only asked for an additional $200. He had it all worked out, he was sorry he couldn’t talk for long because the ticket office was closing and he needed to get there quickly and then he was off out with his new friends before catching the bus early the next morning.
What can I say? I felt like a ton of bricks had just fallen off my back. I was so relieved and so proud all at the same time! He was happy and more to the point he had taken it upon himself to try and solve his problem. He had asked to switch rooms in his hostel to try and meet more people, and lo and behold that is how he met up with these new friends. He is learning such invaluable lessons – that life is not always fun even when you are on an adventure, and that sometimes to make things happen you have to take the initiative and give life a kick start in the right direction. I have been dancing in my mind ever since, smiling as I think of him and emailing my friends that the calamity is now over, the alarm bells are off and that this neurotic woman is on an even keel again. Please tell me I am not the only mother to feel this way!!
Tags: alone, Dad, father, feelings, friends, happy, home, homesick, husband, Life, loneliness, man, mother, proud, relieved, sadness, son, worry
October 7th, 2008
Have you ever been through a period in your life when you have had the total blah’s? Well as you can see I have recently been there, experiencing a time where everything just seemed too much, however little it was in reality. Lucky me, not being tied to a 9 – 5 I did not have to go trotting off to work pretending that everything was fabulous in my world. No, rather I had the luxury of sticking my head deep inside a book, (many books) and shutting off the world outside. However there comes a time when that not is really enough, and I realize that I cannot live submerged forever. Life is about living, and so I have resurfaced hoping that the light will be a little brighter now.
And what caused this little blimp? Funnily enough, never having considered myself as being an extremely maternal person, it was the departure of my oldest son from home. I had, I now realize been preparing for it to happen for some time; enjoying the last summer of him as a boy, careful not to intrude on his oh so hectic social life, but being readily available for him when he was around. I happily shopped for his going away gear, insurance, flights etc. etc. conscious of his departure, but obviously not aware of the impact it would have.
Then the day arrived, and he left – a great smile on his face. He was going on the adventure of his life, traveling alone to New Zealand to do an Outward Bound course, and then backpacking and working his way around the country. Alone I say, and yet having lived in Auckland for many years I put the tom toms out to every friend and relative (of which we have many) about his impending arrival. His aunt who had been here visiting finagled the same flight home, put him up, and organized his cousin (an experienced backpacker) to help him buy some final things - cold climate sleeping bags not being readily available in Hawaii! Friends (thank you) invited him to dinner, gave him loads of contacts in every intended place of stay, and to top it off he managed a couple of days snowboarding in the best season of snow that New Zealand has ever experienced. Was he happy, he was in heaven!! So why was I so sad?
I think it was the overwhelming quietness that suddenly enveloped me. Used to a house which was always full of the sounds of boys, almost men tramping in and out, raiding my pantry and fridge, always hungry, or in need of a shower. The laughter, the air of fun, of pretty young things fluttering around in the universal dance of flirtation – it was suddenly all gone
Empty nest? I had heard the term for years – but I did not have an empty nest, and yet it felt so …… My youngest also feeling slightly adrift sought refuge with his girlfriend and longed for the day when he too could head off, all the more anxious to follow his brother, safe in the knowledge that the greater world out there was so much fun. My husband, forever hard at work, had other things to occupy his mind…. so I stuck my head deep, deep inside the world of fiction.
Now, do I feel any better? No, not really. However the fact that he is handling himself so well out there makes me smile. He is starting the adventure of his life, and that he is enjoying it so much bodes well for his future, and that after all is what we as parents work so hard to prepare them for. So, I hope that he wakes up every day with a sense of joy about what he is about to experience and I look forward to the time when he returns, a man to tell me all about it.
Tags: adrift, adventure, alone, boy, empty nest, experience, friends, fun, future, happy, home, joy, knowledge, laughter, Life, man, maternal, men, New Zealand, parents, quietness, reality, refuge, sad, safe, smile, snowboarding, son, travel, world
September 4th, 2008
I, unlike many people I know have been fortunate enough to be shielded from death. To date none of my close friends or relations have suffered any life threatening diseases, nor have they died, lucky me. Like a coddled child wrapped protectively from the bad things in life, I have only watched from afar as other people grieved over loved ones now lost. I was therefore totally unprepared by the sheer force of emotion that hit me last week when I heard of an acquaintance’s near death situation at Queen’s Hospital.
